pattaya, thailand
a dispatch on snakes, guns, and go-carts
Hi friend,
It’s been a few weeks since I returned back from Thailand.
This one is a long, belated, casual ramble that I’ve been trying to write for a while. I was afraid that I couldn’t find the right words to describe this trip.
Without further ado, let me tell you about the day I held a gun in my hands, saw a two-headed turtle with six legs, and crashed a go-cart going 60 kilometers an hour - all for the first time.
Guns
This trip was a semi-last-minute edition for the summer travel lineup. Mom and I returned to Thailand to reunite with my brother (Ryan) in Pattaya City, where he’s been training for golf. Along with Ryan’s friends, Ashton and Kyle, and Kyle’s dad - who we call Uncle Keith, we formed a little group on their day off from golf training to partake in different activities. We all wanted to make the most of our time there, and in my mind, “making the most of our time” consisted of hanging out by the beach. The boys thought differently. They wanted extreme. So, plans were made to head to the gun range.
We woke up bright and early, had breakfast at our hotel, and hopped into a van to take us to the range. I knew about these plans for days, so I had the time to wrap my head around this activity. Yet, I couldn’t help but still feel apprehensive. Coming from Singapore, where it is prohibited for the public to possess guns, the only exposure I had to the weapon was seeing it on TV (either in news feeds, entertainment shows, or on National Day) or in the toy form of Nerf guns.
Side note: when we were younger, Ryan had a huge collection of Nerf guns ranging from small pistols to giant mega-machine guns. They’re plastic and modeled after real guns, but they shoot rubber bullets. Like every sibling with a brother who owns this toy, I’ve been on the brunt end of his shots.
My anxiety increased exponentially as the minutes ticked by. To me, holding a real gun is a big deal. My firm stance against civilian possession of firearms in the United States (as an American citizen myself), coupled with my non-existent exposure to handling real weapons and a deep awareness of the destructive potential they harbor, made me feel immensely unsettled.
Going to a gun range, holding, and then shooting a gun voluntarily was not something I ever wanted to do - because I know that while mankind has technologically evolved immensely in creating advanced weapons, the wielder of it and those who have the power to control the usage of it can inflict so much devastating damage.
You might be thinking at this point. Renee, why didn’t you opt-out? You could always just say no.
I talked to Uncle Keith about this in the van. His justification was that I don’t need to like guns. But in this world, it’s truly sad to say this: it’s necessary to learn about its capabilities, be aware of what shooting sounds like, and the practical application of knowing how to use one (god forbid, never need to). I agree with him. I was partaking in this activity to develop gun literacy. The safest way to do so is to learn in a controlled environment, with experts to help you along the way.
When we arrived at the range, Uncle Keith and the boys selected the biggest package for all of us - shooting five different types of guns. We then proceeded to ‘gear up’.
At this point I was starting to get shivers, and it wasn’t even cold in the facility.
We queued up in a line outside the actual target room, and one after another, the employees slipped goggles over our eyes and noise-canceling earmuffs over our ears. Once we walked through the door, I vividly heard multiple gunshots. I thought the earmuffs would block all noise completely, but it was still intensely loud.
Uncle Keith later told me that the knowledgeable employees appeared to be former army members, so they knew their stuff. The first person in our group to go was Ashton. He casually strolled up to the booth, greeted the man loading bullets into the rifle he was going to shoot, and sat down in a chair. Soon, he was shooting directly at the paper target dangling at the opposite end of the range. As he went through different types of guns, I started to fully shiver. I would jump in reaction after hearing each shot, even if I knew it was coming. I’m sure beads of stress sweat formed on my forehead.
Eventually, it was my turn. I was so preoccupied with coming to grips that I had to shoot a gun that when it came time to actually hold a pistol in my hands, I had the urge to hand it back to the kind man helping me and bolt out the door. But, the day was all about conquering this fear. I reminded myself that it’s important for me to know what it’s like and have exposure to it. So, I sucked in a breath, squinted at the target, lined the gun up in the angle of the bulls-eye, and…hesitated. I was too chicken.
After what felt like a full minute, my arms were getting tired, and the gun felt infinitely heavier than when I originally picked it up. So, I just decided then and there to get it over with and pushed the trigger.
Then I did it again and again. I shifted my focus to trying to at least make the bullets hit the target. With each shot, I was blown back slightly by the strong recoil, which I did not expect. The man helping me at the booth organized the bullets and adjusted my stance. I went through different types of guns - a rifle, a shotgun, two pistols, and a revolver. With every swap of the type of weapon and the first shot with it, my fear returned in the form of feeling tightness in my chest and intense shivering. Then, I came to place the energy I was putting in fearing shooting to a new goal of trying to hit the target ring in the middle. I had to reassure myself that it was okay, it was in a safe place, and it was important - even if I stumbled back from the recoil and held a smoking gun each time I pushed the trigger.
At the end, I was also surprised to experience smelling, perhaps more specifically, feeling the gunpowder residue on me, especially around my nose and mouth. I’m pretty sure I tasted a little on my tongue and lips.
I still don’t ever want to have that experience again if I had the choice, but I also don’t regret that I participated in this activity. Because well, (if it’s redundant, apologies) I did learn a lot. From identifying the distinct sound each different type of gun makes to understanding imperative safety skills, I grew to appreciate the experiential learning process, even though it was really to the extreme.
The feeling of having gunpowder on me wore off after a few hours. Even after a nice hot shower, the feeling of recoil still made my hands shaky at dinner. I think the most shocking part after this whole experience was seeing how I did shooting-wise. Except for four or five bullets, almost all of my shots went through the inner ring.
Snakes
Straight after, we went to the "Monster Animal Aquarium” which was apparently named one of Pattaya’s ‘premiere’ tourist destinations. After paying 10 bucks for each ticket, we were greeted by the largest open air zoo of intentionally selected exotic animals from all around the world. Also, I have to note here that lots of these animals were also genetically mutated. I saw tiny goats the size of dogs roaming around by my feet, multiple two-headed and six-legged turtles, awkward looking fish, and multi-colored reptiles I would’ve loved to un-see.
If you were to ask me what animal I’m scared of the most, it would be snakes. I just cannot. Seriously! One glimpse and I would’ve already run a mile away, jump on a chair, and refuse to set foot on the ground for at least twenty minutes. Whenever I head out on the golf course or go on a hike in the tropics, I do see a few snakes and that already gives me a partial heart attack. At this place, the first thing I saw when I walked in was the biggest yellow and white snake on a zookeeper’s shoulders. The boys wanted to go hold the snake so I had to watch them, then watch the zookeeper let the snake slither back into a cage. The cage next to it also housed an even larger snake wrapped around in a coil. I took a deep breath, turned my eyes away, and walked to the next exhibit.
It got worse from there. My mom is also afraid of way more animals than I am. Together, we both learned that this was really called a "Monster Animal Aquarium” for a reason. It began with cages and pens of different energetic land mammals in plenty of shapes and sizes, then transitioned into the (pardon me) ugliest sea creatures, and the freakiest reptiles, and ended off with adorable deer and neon colored birds. After slowly walking through the first section with the boys, we already had enough, so we turned around to find an exit, but it was a one way aquarium. That’s when we decided to alternate between speed-walking and jogging through the exhibits without looking up at the animals - there were too many creepy crawlies for us to handle for one visit even if we knew that glass was protecting us from them.
Unfortunately, I did have to glimpse up to avoid bumping into people. When I did, I came face to face with a pearly-white colored snake. If you know me, it’s unlike me to be rude to strangers, but this time, I bumped (maybe shoved…) the man in-front of me to catch up with my 7-time marathon runner mother who made it to the other end of the exhibit hallway already.
I definitely conquered the fear of looking at reptiles for a longer amount of time, but I am still scared in general, and that’s okay. Progress is progress. There’s no need for an overnight change, especially where I become a snake-loving person who is ready to drape one around my neck.
Go-carts
Okay, I’m keeping this section short because well, even I know this fear is stupid.
I’m scared of driving.
And the last activity of the day was none other than driving go-carts at high speed around a track.
I experienced road rage for the first time when a much older and bigger man bumped my car and sped off on the track which spun me around. I then went full speed - the fastest ever - chased him down, and bumped his car. This spun him around into the barriers and cheekily smiled at him as I drove off.
Takeaways
Everyone handles conquering big fears in different ways.
Sometimes it might be best to just go straight to the source and overcoming it by facing it head on. Thanks for reading.
email: reneephan@substack.com | instagram: @reneephan
